Oven Ready

I hate debating evolution fanatics, it always leaves a bad taste in my mouth for a few days and I feel like I was in the middle of a bukkake with geeks.

I bought a few cow kettle bells and started the routine below. I gave up on the Bulgarian waffle training bag routine because 'gyrating' just isn't my thing.

Chris Evans is Foxy

Everytime I'm forced to sign in at a front desk (hotels, businesses, etc) and I'm not the one being seen, I just happen to be with the person who is, but I'm still being forced to sign in, I always sign in with the name "Jenna Reese" (Jenna after the porn Icon Jenna Jameson and Reese after my best friend in elementary school).

What you'll see on my profile on my Google+ account:

Introduction: I'm not Cuban and I didn't give birth.

Employment: Burt Reynolds' Poontopia and Fish Fry.

Occupation: Senior Exotic Entertainer.

to Present-

Education: Ruby Hebnas School for Wayward Girls.

Places Lived: Uptown you turkey!

Other Names (?): Tran Tran, Sophie Gibbons, أبو الفضل

intoxicated

It's rare I wear colognes and I don't remember Russ ever wearing one since the day we met. My first cologne was Halston Z-14 and after that the classic Chanel Pour Monsieur. Did you know there's a real "Love Potion Number 9?" I don't know what's passing for it on the market, but the one I smelled was from a recipe found in the oldest apothecary in the US (smelled too much of cloves and age). At a thrift store I saw these women buzzing around a bottle over the counter, it was a half filled bottle of old Old Spice from the 70's, the original formula they don't make anymore (I snatched it for $5 and it's the only scent the women in my family comment on). I love the smell of gasoline so I'm trying to find the discontinued Tar & Skai cologne or Tubereuse Criminelle by Serge Lutens that will give me that "justed pumped (gasoline)" stank. Santa Maria Novella's Nostalgia is suppose to smell like a the whole race car. I'd like to try House of Segura's Amante, but I'm not holding my breath.

Shadows

So I'm at the Armenian supermarket for oxtails, Armenian string cheese (has mahleb and nigella seeds), marinated olives for Russ who's down another isle, and fresh pita, still warm. I turn and see what could have been my brother. He looked like me so much he even did a double take (I've seen these doppelganger types before, once at the PCH pier and at a pub called Timmy Nolan's in Burbank. My Aunt claimed to have seen a Mexican singer on one of her Spanish channels she said could have been my twin, but I have to see it myself). It's not so strange when all cute 5 yr old little Latin boys all look alike that they would still look alike when they hit manhood. While we're looking at each other like; "What now?" This beautiful Armenian girl drops a load of meat in his cart, I'm talking beautiful beautiful, both walk away, and I'm at the meat counter holding ticket number 24 waiting for someone to take my oxtail and olives order wondering what just happened.

One thing all these walking echoes have in common is that they bat for the other team, I have the distinction of being the only invert out of the bunch (unless they were all out with their sisters). I'm impressed that if I were straight I could bag these kind of knockout girls. I know that if I were straight I would go for an exotic dark-haired girl because I know myself, but as a gay man though my laser scope has always been on blond/blue All-American types like Russ.

My life would be very different if I were straight, no shit I know that, but these flesh and blood personal reminders still make me screech in my tracks. You know I wouldn't be the person I am now. The person who writes on this blog would be non-existant, I would never be, instead in my place would be someone maybe better, someone maybe worse, but whoever it would be, it wouldn't be the person writing these words. I don't envy these men if that's what you're wondering, As far as I know I could be meth head living in Ottawa (moved there for my second wife) with 3 divorces who ends up falling for a transsexuals (she tells me she's a man only after I've fallen in love with her) and my scars would be on the outside instead of the inside, it's just I know I wouldn't have had the struggles and hurts being homosexual, I would have a whole new set of struggles and hurts of being straight, but the difference is the world wouldn't have been against me from the start, it wouldn't squeeze the air out of me every chance it got because I was gay, it wouldn't cut off my opportunities. The oxtails were delicious by the way, my baby is a good cook.

The silky side of satin

I volunteered at an AIDS hospice right out of high school. I asked the director if he could put me with working directly with the patients and not answer phones, so what does he do? I'm in the office answering phones with a young mother who I always saw knitting, but nothing was ever made, a man who was a true Southern Belle (I say true because he did drag as a Southern Belle in Silverlake bars), an office manager who was never there, but I took every one's advice that he existed (he had a Colt calender over his computer monitor and a Colt man with a hard on as a screensaver that would make everyone stop talking when it would start to move across the screen), and me, who kept on hanging up on people because I didn't know how to "transfer" a call. The office looked like it was dropped in the middle of a fairy garden and I swear I saw a blue bird of happiness outside my window.



I also volunteered at a senior citizen center serving food. They kept on asking me why I was there and I would tell them I was there for the food, I would also tell them; " I think this place is haunted" so they'd keep looking under the table.



Next I volunteered in the oncology floor of a hospital. That was really fulfilling and I was the first volunteer to leave the nurses station and introduce myself to the patients asking them if they needed anything (pillows). I took this one young guy who was my age outside because he wanted a smoke (who was dying from AIDS complications) and we just sat and talked, it was one of the most personal moments I ever had in my life, that, and the girl dying while looking at me and saying; "you must be an Angel" when I was giving her water to drink with a straw. When I left her room I went into the pillow room and broke down crying.







Sometimes I wonder how I come across on my blog. I've gotten flack from Russ over the contents of my blog (I wrote in a comment; "who doesn't like a bed of dicks?" and he's STILL hasn't forgotten it), ixnay on the telling him I'm going to kill his mother with poison otay?, and he says I sometimes come off as mean spirited, but I'm not going to present myself than other what I am, neither should you.

Shave N Haircut 2 Bits

I go to Fantastic Sam's to get my haircut (my old-style barber up and died on me from a massive coronary month prior) because it's right next door to the Starbucks that has my salted caramel hot chocolate. This middle aged Chinese woman calls me and I sit in a chair that makes me eye level with her uterus and I tell her exactly what I want. She tells me in broken English my haircut would look good in jail, I'm thinking "Did she just say I'd look good in Jail?" and then she starts to tell me how her grandson broke a Christmas ornament and how grandpa hit the ceiling over it (I have a feeling grandpa knocked the kid into the wall) and how later she has a hot blind date at the Olive Garden. She then she asked me "Have you ever been to Jail? And I say "Do I look the type?" She gives me a shitty haircut and tells me she wants me to come back with me saying I won't because "YOU KEEP ASSOCIATING ME WITH JAIL."
Later that night I watched "The Haunted House of Horror" while eating chicharones with sideburns that aren't cut even.

blank stare

Since I don't have any New Year's resolutions (I have no plans to "live life to the fullest" or lose weight) I'll just post other peoples New Years resolution's from their blogs I've come across cruising the net and make them my own:

1. Be your OWN conversation filter.

2. Investigate Ayurvedic eating.

3. Stop being a "Bossy Beak" when Hushbum comes home.

4. Get Married.

5. Be whimsical even though you really don't know what that means.

6. I will do one impossible task each month, for example matching Robert Scoble’s number of Twitter Followers.

7. This year I am going to share my good fortune and host a charity benefit for homeless animals.

8. Drink More Loire.

9. Repent.

10. Install a clothsline.


*This post is tongue in cheek, So I don't want to hear how Ayurvedic eating will cure my night terrors or what problem I have with Robert Scoble.

fap fap fap fap

I wonder if I can start a phony tea leaf reading business. I need to invest in one of these, light a few candles, some cheapo crystals around the table, how hard can it be? I think all romantic comedies starring Diane Keaton or spontaneous musical numbers should be shot in the head. I thought posting a pic of me you can somewhat make out of myself was going to bring in comments like "You're beautiful inside AND out, you really are the whole package, witty, smart, funny, I hate how I look after seeing you," or "You look sophisticated, killer smile, and I hate how I look after seeing you" but instead I get "I thought you were Asian" and "Who's the blonde girl next to you who looks like she fell out of the 80's?" I love these fireside chats with you readers.

80's soundtrack to my life

Waterfront

What do I have in common with?

Leonardo DiCaprio
Giovanni Ribisi
Hugh Hefner
Michael Cera
Zac Efron
Paul Rudd
Willem Dafoe
Paul Walker
Christian Bale
Guy Ritchie
James Dean
Jeremy Sisto
Frank Sinatra
Daniel Craig
Ewan McGregor
Hugh Jackman
Dominic Monoghan
Robert Pattinson
Jeremy Northam
Sid Vicious
Clive Owen
Keith Urban
Wentworth Miller
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers
Iggy Pop?

again

I got a 3rd award. Now I have to move my awards on the shelf where my matryoshka dolls use to be because I don't have room. What can I say about this honor? No, really, what do I say? Everything I have said I have said before, repeatedly. Thank you Cogent Ascending.





Now, I'm suppose to answer more questions about myself, 35 to be exact, and since I hate boring answers and I don't want to be here all day, I'll just answer the ones that I want.


1. Where is your cell phone? Lost in the backseat cushions of a cab driven by an Armenian en route to Glendale, CA.
2. Your hair? link

3. Your mother? Watching Mexican soap operas.

5. Your favorite food? Tapas
7. Your favorite drink? Agua de Jamaica .
11. Your fear? Crumbs in my bed.
16. Wish list item? link

Your pets? dead.
22. Friends? almost dead.
23. Your life? Always expecting excitement, always getting the mundane.
29. Your favorite color? dark green.

Style on a budget

I know some of you are interested in my fashion sense, What exactly do I wear in my hectic day and still be the fashion maven that I am? You say. Well, stop holding your breath gals!

Blue is my fifth favorite color so why not start off the morning makin' hubby and the kids a hearty breakfast in this little pink number before you start your day? It sure does beat a frumpy housecoat and hubby sure will appreciate it (It might make hubby "hot-to-trot" if you know what I mean; "Don't be late for work darlin!" tee hee).

When I doddle around in the day golfing, shopping for fresh produce at the farmers market, picking up the kids from soccer practice and the such, you can't go wrong with simple plaid.

At night my wild side comes out and I like to be glamorous, but edgy, by evening I'm hallucinating people are following me and I can't make a complete sentence, but that doesn't stop me from going out in one of these HOT Rusky fashion statements.

So there you have it kids. Now remember, it doesn't have to cost alot to look alot, it just takes working with what you have and knowing where DUI check points are is an accessory that goes with everything.

Bombe Fantastic

I somehow got another blog award. Congent Descending gave me this heartfelt award because he recognizes beauty, the beauty that is me.

I would give him an AB Award, but I don't want to lose another follower.

Now 7 things about me.

Rod Lowe's stunt double hit on me at a party in the Hollywood hills.

I had a 78' Ford pickup truck that was on live T.V. in a high speed Police chase right before I got it.

Of all languages, I wish I could speak fluent Finnish.

I'm a "Power Bottom" in fag slang.

I went camping as a Boy Scout. A boy got lost in the surrounding area 2 weeks prior, so I thought he was out there waiting to eat me if I went out of the tent to pee at night (I figured by now he was really really HUNGRY).

The first drink I ever had was a Comfort and Coke at a gay bar in Tucson Arizona called "The Fineline" when I was 16. Bought for me by a girl from the south who hiked up her skirt to show me her panties.

My first job was as a bag boy at a Supermarket. I was hit on by the produce guy who was a babe, the stud who crushed boxes in the back of the store who looked like he just got out of state prison and the guy in the liquor department who looked like 70's porn who fucked half of our married female customers. I never did anything with any of them because I was sweet on this one checker who looked like a blond Clay Adler, rode BMX bikes and who's girlfriend treated him like shit. It got around to him that I liked him and he would stumble over his words when he tried to talk to me, I stopped talking to him all together because he's not Chris Adler and I'm not the fat girl at the prom who needs his fuckin' charity. I stole "Charlie Brown" CD'S for my little niece when I was there, but not the good ones like a Charley Brown Christmas or Halloween, they were shitty ones like "Happy Arbor Day Charlie Brown."

Scrubbing Bubbles

A few years ago I started to think about the upkeep of my looks. I always worked out, did ton's of swimming and running since I was in High School so I had my form already covered, but I never cared about things like moisturizers or gels or scrubs. I saw how Viggo Mortenson, who is like 48 now and he looks like this, was aging and I decided I wanted to look as good. The thing is I didn't know where to start (just because I'm gay doesn't mean this knowledge is built in me, like avoiding party hats or wearing bright green) until I saw the beginning of "American Psycho" and his routine (replace his Honey/Almond scrub with my Aluminum Oxid Crystal Mineral scrub and replace daily Herd/Mint facial with my weekly charcoal mask) sounded as good as any other for my morning start.
~If you think I'm vain, go screw yourself in the nicest way.

AWOL

I'm useless with a hangover. This was the lowdown from the last time.
I'm watching a Korean Drama in bed. I neither know what is going on or what is being said, but that didn't stop me from seeing "Cloverfield" or "Twilight." All of a sudden I want Tom Kha Gai soup and peanut sauce (you can't have enough backup peanut sauce). I call my favorite Thai restaurant and they tell me Tetso the Japanese delivery guy is sick. I know know he isn't sick, saying "fuckin Tetso" underneath my breath. I settle for mini egg rolls, a hand full of peanut M&M's and a luke warm 7-up because our ice cubes have this weird stuff that floats to the bottom of the glass. I start watching the "Fantastic Four 2" and fast forward to Chris Evans shirtless, I fall asleep with my dick in my hand hearing noises in the living room and think some robber is ripping us off. I wake up and drag myself to the living room, see everything in place, and think we now have ghosts. I love that show "Human Weapon" and watch an old episode I recorded about a year ago, still can't get over how freakin hot Jason Chambers is. I realize I made a day of sleeping, eating, and watching TV in just my tighty whities with the phone disconnected. I describe the day in one word "masturbatorial." Just for today I wasn't destroying Family Values, Purity, and Jesus because of my homosexuality (I'll have to pull extra duty on Thursday).
My baby comes home, asks if I'm all right and wants me to go with him to Bob's Big Boy for chili and a banana shake. I say "Are you kidding?! After the day I had?"

Intro

My profile doesn't say much about me (if you can glean anything about me from my love of clamato, you must be magic). So let me give you some personal bites. I know it's late, but who gives a wank:

*I am constantly being asked about my nationality. I find this rude and none of your business. The only people who should ask should be who I call a close friend and a close friend would never ask. This is the rundown; Mexican/Spanish (Mom), Scot/French (Dad). I look Italian/Greek/Mediterranean.
*I can fence (poorly).
*I'm 5'11
*I go running in the dead of night. Have since High School.
*I'll have your back in a bar fight if your a guy, and I'll hold back your hair while you throw up if your a girl.
*My partner looks the complete opposite of me, blond/blue All-American, smart.
*I was brought up by a single parent, have one sister, and a niece, I'm the only bastard.
*What I do for a living is none of your business. Though I can narrow it down by saying I don't work for the CIA, Circus du Soleil. or a rumor mill.
*I don't dance, so don't ask.
*No tattoos or piercing's and I have all the parts I was born with.
*Hate sharing food at restaurants. If you want to try my gnocchi, you should have ordered it.
*Russ and I don't have an open relationship (that I'm aware of).
*If you take the time to post a remark to something I write, I'm mannered enough to write back acknowledging it on the post or in a private mail. Your a bum if you don't do the same.
*HIV negative.
*I'm not Catholic.
*I have no embarrassing middle name like most men, because I have no middle name.
*Hate tomato sauce.
*I’m a Pisces (March 5th)
*Don’t believe in cosmic fate or luck.
*I have Spanish gangsters in my family on my grandma’s side.
*Always have face stubble, but still come off as clean-cut.
*I'm a friend your other friends hate, but still want to do.
*All the parents of boys I dated loved me.
*I have a small birthmark on each earlobe.
*I was being wry. not rude.

I'll try to post every weekday. See you Monday.