Shadows

So I'm at the Armenian supermarket for oxtails, Armenian string cheese (has mahleb and nigella seeds), marinated olives for Russ who's down another isle, and fresh pita, still warm. I turn and see what could have been my brother. He looked like me so much he even did a double take (I've seen these doppelganger types before, once at the PCH pier and at a pub called Timmy Nolan's in Burbank. My Aunt claimed to have seen a Mexican singer on one of her Spanish channels she said could have been my twin, but I have to see it myself). It's not so strange when all cute 5 yr old little Latin boys all look alike that they would still look alike when they hit manhood. While we're looking at each other like; "What now?" This beautiful Armenian girl drops a load of meat in his cart, I'm talking beautiful beautiful, both walk away, and I'm at the meat counter holding ticket number 24 waiting for someone to take my oxtail and olives order wondering what just happened.

One thing all these walking echoes have in common is that they bat for the other team, I have the distinction of being the only invert out of the bunch (unless they were all out with their sisters). I'm impressed that if I were straight I could bag these kind of knockout girls. I know that if I were straight I would go for an exotic dark-haired girl because I know myself, but as a gay man though my laser scope has always been on blond/blue All-American types like Russ.

My life would be very different if I were straight, no shit I know that, but these flesh and blood personal reminders still make me screech in my tracks. You know I wouldn't be the person I am now. The person who writes on this blog would be non-existant, I would never be, instead in my place would be someone maybe better, someone maybe worse, but whoever it would be, it wouldn't be the person writing these words. I don't envy these men if that's what you're wondering, As far as I know I could be meth head living in Ottawa (moved there for my second wife) with 3 divorces who ends up falling for a transsexuals (she tells me she's a man only after I've fallen in love with her) and my scars would be on the outside instead of the inside, it's just I know I wouldn't have had the struggles and hurts being homosexual, I would have a whole new set of struggles and hurts of being straight, but the difference is the world wouldn't have been against me from the start, it wouldn't squeeze the air out of me every chance it got because I was gay, it wouldn't cut off my opportunities. The oxtails were delicious by the way, my baby is a good cook.