Showing posts with label vox blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vox blog. Show all posts
29 August 2013
15 November 2010
Tea and Ceremony
Bloggers come and leave. Words crash into the mindset of strangers because a few little words someone offers in cyberspace someone else picks up and, if you're lucky, they come back for more.
One follower I had on my first blog was a smoken' hot half Japanese girl who worked in a Hostess Club. She never gave her real name and her face she always hid behind hair, blurs, shadows, a cat named Sam, and anything else that wasn't nailed down. I'd come back after my late night run and read her blog at 2 in the morning. Workaholic Hostess was always a constant; a late night experience like an all night food cart serving my favorite thick noodles under beef tendon. She was the first blog follower that Russ my partner wrote to in a very personal way. Over the years we touched each others blogs off and on, I could have let her go and blamed it on the blog shuffle, but I won't. She's now a graduate student studying in Osaka and I saw that face I've been waiting to see; her long nights of listening to strange familiar men are over.
Where my Hostess goes I'll follow, I'll miss her face if I don't because, after all, she's the only girl who makes my night.
One follower I had on my first blog was a smoken' hot half Japanese girl who worked in a Hostess Club. She never gave her real name and her face she always hid behind hair, blurs, shadows, a cat named Sam, and anything else that wasn't nailed down. I'd come back after my late night run and read her blog at 2 in the morning. Workaholic Hostess was always a constant; a late night experience like an all night food cart serving my favorite thick noodles under beef tendon. She was the first blog follower that Russ my partner wrote to in a very personal way. Over the years we touched each others blogs off and on, I could have let her go and blamed it on the blog shuffle, but I won't. She's now a graduate student studying in Osaka and I saw that face I've been waiting to see; her long nights of listening to strange familiar men are over.
Where my Hostess goes I'll follow, I'll miss her face if I don't because, after all, she's the only girl who makes my night.
19 September 2010
more vexing VOX
I'm running out of things to write about, so here are some of my posts when I was blogging on vox because why come up with anything original when I can re-hash my old shit?:
(post title)
With restaurant butter packets in the back of a slow cab
I'm back.
My hiatus was full of lemon Popsicles and enough rude, blatant, homosexuality to make you say "Dear God! It CAN'T be wet! Is that even a hole?! Stop your shaking Betty!" I brought everybody back snowglobes and argyle leg warmers (disperse them as you like).
If you posted a 'goodbye' comment below, you get a gold star next to your name and a field trip to an all-you-can-eat ice cream cake factory in beautiful Pasadena, if you didn't, you get a sad face next to yours and a field trip to watch hot tar being put on a roof in gang-ridden Panorama City.
I'm thinking of putting my blog to "neighborhood only."
(post title)
Synchronicity or is that you Mary?
Psychiatrist Carl Jung tells a story that happened to him one April. He just had fish for lunch, and someone mentioned the custom of making an "April fish" (old lingo for an April fools joke). In the afternoon a patient showed him pictures of fish which she had painted. In the evening he was shown a piece of embroidery with fish-like monsters on it, coincidence? Jung didn't think so, he called it "acausal connecting principle," or "meaningful coincidence." He and others took note of odd coincidences that seem to take place outside the scope of mere chance, like some "Cosmic Joker" was at work. Ever since I learned about synchronicity two years ago it's like something clicked, coincidences started happening to me in 3's. Like one Saturday I'm watching a documentary on the History Channel about people seeing apparitions of the Virgin Mary called "Visions of Mary." Half way through it I check the channel guide on my TV and notice the Cameron Diaz movie "There's something about Mary." I say to myself "O.K. lets do this one more time," a few minutes later I pick up a book called "The 60 Greatest Conspiracies of All Time" to read a chapter on how Jim Morrison might have faked his own death. In the first paragraph is the strange line "...the Virgin Mary's fondness for making appearances on Tortillas." It's like once I came to the recognition of this cosmic trickster, it stopped hiding and started to play with me. Russ has a thing with the numbers 444. He started to see them everywhere. On license plates, store windows, just as he's looking at a clock. It became so frequent, he stopped mentioning it to me. I looked it up and found out people seeing 444 (11:11 is a big one) is common and they can't explain it themselves.
I personally don't have an explanation for it, but I find it improbable God has nothing better else to do but trying new ways of making us say "Boy, that was weird..."
(post title)
No title
Russ's mom had the nerve to ask me how to prepare ancho chilies. I should have said "Listen carefully Gringa, Sitting at my mamacita's knee in our pueblo I learned many a wise Aztec custom, plucking a goat in twenty seconds flat, making nachos cheese sauce for 7-Elevens, and making these for white tourists with bad taste, but the secret of the mighty ancho was only know to Montezuma, I can not help you there."
I swear that woman drives me to distraction.
(post title)
tail
People make a blog for their cat/dog and then write posts like it's the animal talking and posting. That is sooo weird to me. I want to go write in their comments section; "Your owner would look nice and red on the end of a big sharp stick" or "I'm into animals and your making me hard, want me to walk your hot, nasty, ass?" And see what Fido says back.
(post title)
thick uncut churro
I wonder if when people see my vox screen name, they don’t click on my blog because they think it’s going to be in Spanish talking about my 8 kids (Pepito, Pestoso, Pepita, Perito, Pepe, Pepe 2, Pendejo, and Sam) and how my Latina wife Selucina makes the best sweet corn tamales in aaaaaall of Mehico.
(post title)
Don't let the door hit your ass
Sunday night I posted on my "Foodie" group asking (pleading, check it out yourself if you don't believe me) for a stuffed baked potato recipe for a charity event I volunteered for this Friday (tomorrow). I didn't get one comment, not even a "Your on your own on this one baby." This one girl (obvious the leader of the gang) got 11 comments about Loukoumades. How do you even pronounce Loukoumades? and who are these 11 people who have such a strong oppinion about it? 7 comments about the tastiness of veal (tortured baby calves only eaten by unfeeling pricks), 8 comments on baby lasagna (as compared to adult lasagna), and 9 comments in a post completely in Chinese with a picture of a hamburger cupcake.
I didn't know the cooking gurus of the world were such a tight knit clique. I'm going to see my "Foodie" group like I see someone eating fugu liver, gone.
(post title)
With restaurant butter packets in the back of a slow cab
I'm back.
My hiatus was full of lemon Popsicles and enough rude, blatant, homosexuality to make you say "Dear God! It CAN'T be wet! Is that even a hole?! Stop your shaking Betty!" I brought everybody back snowglobes and argyle leg warmers (disperse them as you like).
If you posted a 'goodbye' comment below, you get a gold star next to your name and a field trip to an all-you-can-eat ice cream cake factory in beautiful Pasadena, if you didn't, you get a sad face next to yours and a field trip to watch hot tar being put on a roof in gang-ridden Panorama City.
I'm thinking of putting my blog to "neighborhood only."
(post title)
Synchronicity or is that you Mary?
Psychiatrist Carl Jung tells a story that happened to him one April. He just had fish for lunch, and someone mentioned the custom of making an "April fish" (old lingo for an April fools joke). In the afternoon a patient showed him pictures of fish which she had painted. In the evening he was shown a piece of embroidery with fish-like monsters on it, coincidence? Jung didn't think so, he called it "acausal connecting principle," or "meaningful coincidence." He and others took note of odd coincidences that seem to take place outside the scope of mere chance, like some "Cosmic Joker" was at work. Ever since I learned about synchronicity two years ago it's like something clicked, coincidences started happening to me in 3's. Like one Saturday I'm watching a documentary on the History Channel about people seeing apparitions of the Virgin Mary called "Visions of Mary." Half way through it I check the channel guide on my TV and notice the Cameron Diaz movie "There's something about Mary." I say to myself "O.K. lets do this one more time," a few minutes later I pick up a book called "The 60 Greatest Conspiracies of All Time" to read a chapter on how Jim Morrison might have faked his own death. In the first paragraph is the strange line "...the Virgin Mary's fondness for making appearances on Tortillas." It's like once I came to the recognition of this cosmic trickster, it stopped hiding and started to play with me. Russ has a thing with the numbers 444. He started to see them everywhere. On license plates, store windows, just as he's looking at a clock. It became so frequent, he stopped mentioning it to me. I looked it up and found out people seeing 444 (11:11 is a big one) is common and they can't explain it themselves.
I personally don't have an explanation for it, but I find it improbable God has nothing better else to do but trying new ways of making us say "Boy, that was weird..."
(post title)
No title
Russ's mom had the nerve to ask me how to prepare ancho chilies. I should have said "Listen carefully Gringa, Sitting at my mamacita's knee in our pueblo I learned many a wise Aztec custom, plucking a goat in twenty seconds flat, making nachos cheese sauce for 7-Elevens, and making these for white tourists with bad taste, but the secret of the mighty ancho was only know to Montezuma, I can not help you there."
I swear that woman drives me to distraction.
(post title)
tail
People make a blog for their cat/dog and then write posts like it's the animal talking and posting. That is sooo weird to me. I want to go write in their comments section; "Your owner would look nice and red on the end of a big sharp stick" or "I'm into animals and your making me hard, want me to walk your hot, nasty, ass?" And see what Fido says back.
(post title)
thick uncut churro
I wonder if when people see my vox screen name, they don’t click on my blog because they think it’s going to be in Spanish talking about my 8 kids (Pepito, Pestoso, Pepita, Perito, Pepe, Pepe 2, Pendejo, and Sam) and how my Latina wife Selucina makes the best sweet corn tamales in aaaaaall of Mehico.
(post title)
Don't let the door hit your ass
Sunday night I posted on my "Foodie" group asking (pleading, check it out yourself if you don't believe me) for a stuffed baked potato recipe for a charity event I volunteered for this Friday (tomorrow). I didn't get one comment, not even a "Your on your own on this one baby." This one girl (obvious the leader of the gang) got 11 comments about Loukoumades. How do you even pronounce Loukoumades? and who are these 11 people who have such a strong oppinion about it? 7 comments about the tastiness of veal (tortured baby calves only eaten by unfeeling pricks), 8 comments on baby lasagna (as compared to adult lasagna), and 9 comments in a post completely in Chinese with a picture of a hamburger cupcake.
I didn't know the cooking gurus of the world were such a tight knit clique. I'm going to see my "Foodie" group like I see someone eating fugu liver, gone.
(post title)
Twila Thorpe
I got rid of my blog neighbor city lights. I resigned myself to her not cumming back. I send her off into the world like a Chinese lantern boat on the water (I'de like to think her plane she was flying over the Atlantic Ocean, ala her fellow lesbian Amelia Earheart, crash landed on an island of hula girls who made her their bush-eating queen).
(post title, final post on vox)
Skyp and Torn
O.K. So maybe starting two businesses in this economic depression wasn't the greatest idea. Russ's "Nude Groom" ice sculptures for weddings and bus tours of Los Angeles apartment ceilings should have been hits.
I see some of my neighbors are having a tough time of things, I'm sorry. Even though I am not going to be a constant on vox, I can still get your e-mails in case you need me to save you from a burning building or if you need someone to talk you out of jumping to your death from a bathroom window once you squeeze through.
I've taken up boxing at this place with a personal trainer, fun times. So anyway my sweets, I sure do love you guys and I'll be around on cold nights wherever lipstick lesbians congregate outside of clubs to have a smoke.
15 September 2009
DZgunrock
One of my vox followers was this chic with her freaky flash postings, I wonder if she misses me?
04 May 2009
few left
Since I'm deleting my vox account, I'm looking it over so I don't delete anything important. Here are a few more vox QotD's I found:
Q. What do you tend to obsess over?
My girdle straps and the hair pins holding feathered hats to my head. They all fly off when I step in a rain puddle.
Q. Show us a picture of your all time favorite President.
Larry E. Rogers.
I once submitted my own question to vox for it's QotD: "Are you sore and red after?"
It was never printed.
Q. If you were running for president, what would your motto be?
"Bring on the pork barrel spending because I'm not kosher!"
Q. Who inspires you to be the person you are today?
Jit "Gravy" McGreet. Scat singer and expert lock picker.
Q. July is national ice cream month! What's your favorite flavor?
Shoe Polish Ripple.
Q. What makes a "good" pet?
A Shih Tzu that gives shiatsu and pees Merlot.
Q. What parenting tip do you swear by?
Spare the rod and kick the shit out of the child for drinking my last Bud lite.
Q. Is there anything about the "corporate culture" at your place of employment you wish were different?
More "Generating deliverables from individual male contributors on oral POC (point of contact) in the janitor's hallway closet.
Q. What role did you play in your school play?
Tammy Titops - Hooker #3
Q. What happened the first time you were left home alone as a child?
Mommy ran off with sailor "Bob" and left me a 1/2 ceasar salad and a bowl of strawberry punch to last me for a week.
Q. What do you bring most to a friendship?
Use of my gravy boat and tongue baths.
Q. What are your Sunday rituals?
My neighbors enjoy my interpretive dance of a Sunday morning sunrise. The blood sacrifices in the front yard not so much.
Q. What do you tend to obsess over?
My girdle straps and the hair pins holding feathered hats to my head. They all fly off when I step in a rain puddle.
Q. Show us a picture of your all time favorite President.
Larry E. Rogers.
I once submitted my own question to vox for it's QotD: "Are you sore and red after?"
It was never printed.
Q. If you were running for president, what would your motto be?
"Bring on the pork barrel spending because I'm not kosher!"
Q. Who inspires you to be the person you are today?
Jit "Gravy" McGreet. Scat singer and expert lock picker.
Q. July is national ice cream month! What's your favorite flavor?
Shoe Polish Ripple.
Q. What makes a "good" pet?
A Shih Tzu that gives shiatsu and pees Merlot.
Q. What parenting tip do you swear by?
Spare the rod and kick the shit out of the child for drinking my last Bud lite.
Q. Is there anything about the "corporate culture" at your place of employment you wish were different?
More "Generating deliverables from individual male contributors on oral POC (point of contact) in the janitor's hallway closet.
Q. What role did you play in your school play?
Tammy Titops - Hooker #3
Q. What happened the first time you were left home alone as a child?
Mommy ran off with sailor "Bob" and left me a 1/2 ceasar salad and a bowl of strawberry punch to last me for a week.
Q. What do you bring most to a friendship?
Use of my gravy boat and tongue baths.
Q. What are your Sunday rituals?
My neighbors enjoy my interpretive dance of a Sunday morning sunrise. The blood sacrifices in the front yard not so much.
30 April 2009
The Vox and the Beautiful
I already posted about my vox blog here and here.
Vox had groups for it's voxers to join; "Gay Vox," "Los Angeles Voxers," "Japanese Vox Girls with Tiny Hands," etc. One group I found was called "The Beautiful People," It was started by a Curt Cobain look-alike and it was for people who are, well, beautiful. I joined thinking these people were half joking, but I realised the guy who started it was serious and he didn't appreciate the poem I posted in the group:
"OH Beauty OH B-e-a-u-t-y
I will but get you a cold coke out of the warm (because it's broken) Hatefulleth refrigerator called life if you but asketh me (if you could talk)
I would bone you if I didn't own you
Can you hear the pelicans?
Can you hear the pelicans?"
Fin @
If you think THAT was bad you should read my intro into the group that made them hate me:
I just arrived and would like to introduce my beauty to everyone else's beauty ::Applause:: ::Applause:: Since I am of same gender lovin, I already have a head start on living style, fashioniestasis, and looking like you should just stare at me instead of talking to me ::Applause:: ::Applause:: Why is my beauty so good to me? I don't know, just accept what you cannot change and hope others change what you cannot accept ::Standing Applause:: ...and....bow.
I left the group before the beautiful people kicked my beautiful ass out.
Vox had groups for it's voxers to join; "Gay Vox," "Los Angeles Voxers," "Japanese Vox Girls with Tiny Hands," etc. One group I found was called "The Beautiful People," It was started by a Curt Cobain look-alike and it was for people who are, well, beautiful. I joined thinking these people were half joking, but I realised the guy who started it was serious and he didn't appreciate the poem I posted in the group:
"OH Beauty OH B-e-a-u-t-y
I will but get you a cold coke out of the warm (because it's broken) Hatefulleth refrigerator called life if you but asketh me (if you could talk)
I would bone you if I didn't own you
Can you hear the pelicans?
Can you hear the pelicans?"
Fin @
If you think THAT was bad you should read my intro into the group that made them hate me:
I just arrived and would like to introduce my beauty to everyone else's beauty ::Applause:: ::Applause:: Since I am of same gender lovin, I already have a head start on living style, fashioniestasis, and looking like you should just stare at me instead of talking to me ::Applause:: ::Applause:: Why is my beauty so good to me? I don't know, just accept what you cannot change and hope others change what you cannot accept ::Standing Applause:: ...and....bow.
I left the group before the beautiful people kicked my beautiful ass out.
29 April 2009
The wife and kids on Vox
One "QotD" asked: "What are your rituals or traditions for starting off a new year?"I wrote:
"I take my wife Roxie and our 4 kids (Windchime, Pip, Exeter, and Roxie jr.) to the beach and see if they float weighted down with rocks like witches. If they float, we go home for another year."
I got the idea from this question to elaborate on my "made-up" family with a series of annoying news letters, like the ones real families send out to relatives and friends with updates on what's going on with their family.
Jan. 30
Hi folks!
Well it’s a month into the New Year and time to keep you up to date on what’s going on in our happy little homestead.
Roxie my lovely wife is still trying to get her “Colouring with Meth” business off the ground. I found out that last year’s “Painting with Vodka” business idea was just an excuse for Roxie to get drunk everyday (we’re behind you honey!).
Exeter got four quarters from the Tooth Fairy last night. Go Exeter!!! We like to see the POSITIVE of our daughter Windchime socking him in the mouth with a sock full of nickels (she so misses the “Sopranos”).
Roxie Jr.’s constant outbursts of screaming was diagnosed as NOT coming from mental illness. We can now put that on the list along with tourettes, alien control, and seeing ghosts.
We decided to change the name of our son Pip to my favorite character “Brian Shute” from the 80’s hit movie “Vision Quest” starring the very talented Frank Jasper as Brian. Even though he’s already eight, we think Brian Shute will adjust nicely.
From our family to yours,
The Carson Family.
Feb.28
Hello again folks! Because our last news letter was such a success, we decided to do another one before mid-year. I have to say to all our friends who have moved away, please send us a forwarding address. Most of our family news letters we sent out in January, came backed with "MOVED!" scribbled on the envelope. I'm sure with all the hectic moving, It probably slipped the minds of most people to send us the new forwarding address. Keep us posted!!!
My wife Roxy's installation art pieces " Colouring with Meth" has just skyrocketed. Roxy even had to hire two Latino art dealers with the curious names of "Crazy Girl" and "Lil Puppet" to do most of her art selling because she just can't put them out fast enough. It's heart warming to see she has such a following with the inner city gang youth, who knew they were such art aficionados.
Roxy Jr's screaming fits (We still haven't ruled out mind-control mites as the cause of her condition) are less infrequent since we learned from a therapist to smack her on the nose before she starts acting up. Actually the therapist was a dog trainer. Dog trainer/therapist, potato/potatoe, who really cares right? Love you baby!
We seemed to have lost our son Exeter in the mall a few weeks ago (we think). We haven't looked throughout the entire house yet, so maybe he just might have fallen in one of our house's many trap doors. We're still looking for you sweetheart!!!
Our daughter Windchime has just started school and already she is quit the entrepreneur. She explained it this way; other children give her money and she protects them. She is just sooo cute when she says "Break their kneecaps" in her cutesy voice. We promised her "The Sopranos" DVD box set she wanted so badly, but on the one condition she makes good grades. We know you'll do it honey!
Our son Brian Shute (formerly known as Pip) has filed for "Emancipation as a Minor" from us. This saddens us deeply because he was our favorite child. Please come back to us son, we forgive you.
Well, so ends another round of happenings with the Carson family. We wish you all a very Happy Holiday (whichever one is coming up) and hope to hear from all of you soon (with forewarding addresses).
Till next time,
The Carson Family.
March.31
It's some kind of Peruvian holiday, so that gives us an excuse to give you an update on our happy family happenings.
My talented wife has just been a bundle of energy since taking up her latest art endeavor. She's taken it upon herself to knit a whole carpet in the day and churning butter all night. I'm trying to keep up honeybug!!!
Windchime is now officially our favorite child and what a creative little rascal she is. She'll fill our shoes with cement and waits to find out how long it will take to dry before we can't move our feet. She's even learning a few words in Italian; "Andate tutti a 'fanculo!" means "I love you all!" according to her. What a talent!
We believe we hear Exeter moving between the walls. Windchime believes he's turned canabalistic because he's been in there so long. She now refuses to sleep without a golf club and suggests we do the same (is it any wonder she's our favorite?)
Our son Brian Shute says he will not proceed with the emancipation proceedings on 3 conditions:
1. We change his name back to Shippy 'Pip' Tanqueray Carson.
2. No more Nazi-like experimentation to change his eye color.
3. We cool it with putting him in jump suits.
1 and 3 we can accept, but we almost have his eyes a wonderful deep purple to stop now.
I think we had another kid someplace, but it's hard to tell with all these strange men coming in and out of the house at all hours picking up Roxie's art.
Well that wraps up our monthly fun family update. Since we have had no further responses from the recipients of our past family news letters, we will assume they were all on the same bus that went off a desert cliff in a fiery heap to avoid hitting an armadillo.
Next month: Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!
From our family to yours,
The Carson Family.
I ended the news letters. I said I sent my family off in a Chinese junk boat to go make stripper shoes in Taiwan because only one follower was getting the humor. I miss those rascals and the ball and chain.
"I take my wife Roxie and our 4 kids (Windchime, Pip, Exeter, and Roxie jr.) to the beach and see if they float weighted down with rocks like witches. If they float, we go home for another year."
I got the idea from this question to elaborate on my "made-up" family with a series of annoying news letters, like the ones real families send out to relatives and friends with updates on what's going on with their family.
Jan. 30
Hi folks!
Well it’s a month into the New Year and time to keep you up to date on what’s going on in our happy little homestead.
Roxie my lovely wife is still trying to get her “Colouring with Meth” business off the ground. I found out that last year’s “Painting with Vodka” business idea was just an excuse for Roxie to get drunk everyday (we’re behind you honey!).
Exeter got four quarters from the Tooth Fairy last night. Go Exeter!!! We like to see the POSITIVE of our daughter Windchime socking him in the mouth with a sock full of nickels (she so misses the “Sopranos”).
Roxie Jr.’s constant outbursts of screaming was diagnosed as NOT coming from mental illness. We can now put that on the list along with tourettes, alien control, and seeing ghosts.
We decided to change the name of our son Pip to my favorite character “Brian Shute” from the 80’s hit movie “Vision Quest” starring the very talented Frank Jasper as Brian. Even though he’s already eight, we think Brian Shute will adjust nicely.
From our family to yours,
The Carson Family.
Feb.28
Hello again folks! Because our last news letter was such a success, we decided to do another one before mid-year. I have to say to all our friends who have moved away, please send us a forwarding address. Most of our family news letters we sent out in January, came backed with "MOVED!" scribbled on the envelope. I'm sure with all the hectic moving, It probably slipped the minds of most people to send us the new forwarding address. Keep us posted!!!
My wife Roxy's installation art pieces " Colouring with Meth" has just skyrocketed. Roxy even had to hire two Latino art dealers with the curious names of "Crazy Girl" and "Lil Puppet" to do most of her art selling because she just can't put them out fast enough. It's heart warming to see she has such a following with the inner city gang youth, who knew they were such art aficionados.
Roxy Jr's screaming fits (We still haven't ruled out mind-control mites as the cause of her condition) are less infrequent since we learned from a therapist to smack her on the nose before she starts acting up. Actually the therapist was a dog trainer. Dog trainer/therapist, potato/potatoe, who really cares right? Love you baby!
We seemed to have lost our son Exeter in the mall a few weeks ago (we think). We haven't looked throughout the entire house yet, so maybe he just might have fallen in one of our house's many trap doors. We're still looking for you sweetheart!!!
Our daughter Windchime has just started school and already she is quit the entrepreneur. She explained it this way; other children give her money and she protects them. She is just sooo cute when she says "Break their kneecaps" in her cutesy voice. We promised her "The Sopranos" DVD box set she wanted so badly, but on the one condition she makes good grades. We know you'll do it honey!
Our son Brian Shute (formerly known as Pip) has filed for "Emancipation as a Minor" from us. This saddens us deeply because he was our favorite child. Please come back to us son, we forgive you.
Well, so ends another round of happenings with the Carson family. We wish you all a very Happy Holiday (whichever one is coming up) and hope to hear from all of you soon (with forewarding addresses).
Till next time,
The Carson Family.
March.31
It's some kind of Peruvian holiday, so that gives us an excuse to give you an update on our happy family happenings.
My talented wife has just been a bundle of energy since taking up her latest art endeavor. She's taken it upon herself to knit a whole carpet in the day and churning butter all night. I'm trying to keep up honeybug!!!
Windchime is now officially our favorite child and what a creative little rascal she is. She'll fill our shoes with cement and waits to find out how long it will take to dry before we can't move our feet. She's even learning a few words in Italian; "Andate tutti a 'fanculo!" means "I love you all!" according to her. What a talent!
We believe we hear Exeter moving between the walls. Windchime believes he's turned canabalistic because he's been in there so long. She now refuses to sleep without a golf club and suggests we do the same (is it any wonder she's our favorite?)
Our son Brian Shute says he will not proceed with the emancipation proceedings on 3 conditions:
1. We change his name back to Shippy 'Pip' Tanqueray Carson.
2. No more Nazi-like experimentation to change his eye color.
3. We cool it with putting him in jump suits.
1 and 3 we can accept, but we almost have his eyes a wonderful deep purple to stop now.
I think we had another kid someplace, but it's hard to tell with all these strange men coming in and out of the house at all hours picking up Roxie's art.
Well that wraps up our monthly fun family update. Since we have had no further responses from the recipients of our past family news letters, we will assume they were all on the same bus that went off a desert cliff in a fiery heap to avoid hitting an armadillo.
Next month: Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!
From our family to yours,
The Carson Family.
I ended the news letters. I said I sent my family off in a Chinese junk boat to go make stripper shoes in Taiwan because only one follower was getting the humor. I miss those rascals and the ball and chain.
28 April 2009
Vox Q@A with ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND
I used to have a blog on vox.com (I had the coolest lesbians following my vox blog, for some reason I'm not catching on with the lesbians on Blogger). Everyday they would have a "Question Of the Day" submitted by voxers with all the answers submitted by other voxers going onto a general community board for everyone to read. The questions were almost always lame, boring, and unoriginal like most of the voxers themselves and I got to the point I started to have fun with the questions. Here are some of my answers to the questions over the months for your viewing pleasure.
Q: Do you go to parties? What kinds of parties do you usually attend?
Nick, my BFF, has a Tupperware party at least once a week. We never buy anything, but we mostly go just for his guacamole dip and Burt's spoon bread. My favorite all time parties are the pajama parties I have with my guy friends. We talk about cute boys at our law firm and take turns parting each other's hair (left, right, left, right...) over lemon cake and root beer.
Q: When was the last time you surprised yourself?
I forgot to tell myself I was going to surprise me, so I chased myself with a hammer thinking I was a real burglar.
Q: Someone's writing a biography of your life (to date). What is the best/worst chapter of the book?
Best: "Grappa Wine, Turkish Wrestlers and Warm Crete Nights."
Worst: "Black Eyes, Brats and Bimbos."
Q: What's your favorite gardening tip for Spring?
Bury the body under gardenias. Dogs won't dig around gardenias.
Q: If you could turn back time, at what point in your life would you go back to? What would you do differently?
Feb 2, 1992. 7:18 p.m. I should have turned left on Jenup Street instead of right. I could have been eating my teryaki beef jerky and diet cherry Coke 4 minutes earlier instead of 4 minutes later if I had turned left.
Q: If you could choose your own name, what would it be?
Noreen Preggers.
*A few months later the same question: "If you could choose your own name, what would it be?" was submitted by someone else and I said:
Noreen Preggers-McYuen (I married).
Q: What's the one thing you're most neurotic about?
Who have you been talking to? The soup cans with their little dances and silvery tops?! If they would all stop hating me I could answer this question. Go stare at someone else tomato bisque and clam chowder. What? I hate you too cream of mushroom.
Q: If you live in a household of more than one, how do you distribute the household chores?
The little people who live in my pillow do the dishes, the floating people above my sink make my bed (yeah I know, you'd think it would be reverse wouldn't you?) and the blooby "things" in laundry lint tell me to forget everything else.
Q: What piece of advice do you wish you could take?
Drop the soap in Prison and the condom goes ON, not IN.
Q: What do you do when you get a crush on someone?
Stare at him through the crack of the closet door while he's sleeping, re-arrange furniture when he's not home so it looks like they move by themselves, barely whisper from behind curtains so he thinks he hear voices, time when he get off work so he won't catch you at his house eating pancakes and scratching your balls with his brass candle holder shaped like a goose his mother gave him for Easter, the usual goofy stuff love makes you do.
Q: There is a natural disaster headed your way. You get 4 standard sized canvas grocery totes to fill with valuables and provisions to bring with you to a safe place. What would you put into your 4 bags and why?
Bottle of expensive suntan lotion (no cheap crap on this occasion) if the Sun is going into a Supernova, pair of red Speedos with racing stripes on the side in case I meet a Merman who wants to make me into his Merbitch if it's a flood, motion sickness patches and a steel umbrella if it's an earthquake, and the rest of the bags filled with Lunchables and sapphires.
Q: What lesson did your father teach you that still helps you in life?
Cigar burns between my toes means daddy loves me.
Q: What story of personal greatness, achievement or success would your co-workers or friends be surprised to learn about you?
I can eat standing up and I invented cream.
Q: Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how?
My femurs. I was mixing some rum punch when my femurs snapped, I was like "oh hell, my femurs!"
Q: What was your biggest cooking disaster?
I thought I read "broken glass" instead of "two eggs" in the recipe and we all laughed with bleeding mouths until the ambulances came.
Q: What's your favorite thing about yourself?
When I catch unexpected glimpses of myself in mirrors (I hang out at mirror stores), I love how the light bounces off my breasts.
Q: Has anyone ever done something so horrible to you that "I'm sorry" couldn't fix it?
Jake ate my black olives. I asked Jake; "Where are my black olives I keep in the mustard jar?" He said; "I had an urge for mustard and I found these delicious black olives." I said; "Jaaaake (in a whiny girl voice), those were MY black olives, now I have NO black olives, OR mustard (had to throw the mustard out to use the jar for the black olives)." He said; "Slow down there little lady" (his nickname for me even though I'm male), there is a can of green olives in the cupboard."
I still hate Jake because of this blatent display of rudeness and because he has a bulbous head.
Q: Snowball fights, hot cocoa by the fire, and sleigh rides... What are your favorite things about winter?
Leprechaun snow angels, green eggnog, and Lincoln's birthday.
Q: In honor of Benjamin Franklin's birthday, tell us: When was the last time you flew a kite?
What a coincidence!! Me and my girlfriend Sarah B. where JUST talking about this yesterday:
Me: Hey?! Idiot?! Put your fat pants on so we can go fly a kite.
Sarah B: Fuck you fruit!
One question submitted was: "Tell us how you met your significant other." I read the answer this one broad gave and my old friend Best Buy electronic store came up. This is what she wrote:
"We actually met in Best Buy. I know! You'd think that's kind of a weird place to meet someone so special and magical, but there he was... The floor model. A few dings and scraps, but only cosmetic damage. $700 later, I threw him in the back of my car, brought him home, plugged him in, and we've been inseparable ever since. From ESPN to Entourage, Grey's Anatomy to The Hills... My flat screen TV has been an amazing companion. Always there for me, ready to entertain. He makes me laugh, cry, scream and sometimes even jump up and down.
A match made in heaven."
Now I don't know if this girl works at Best Buy or owns Best Buy stock or what, but I wrote her back:
"That is so adorable!!! I met mine at Best Buy too! He was a salesman who I was watching for 4 weeks, I just HAD to have him because he was special and magical. He didn't see me pour the Rohypnol in his Coke, so after the drug kicked in I offered to help him outside to get some air after hearing him say to his manager he felt like throwing up. I walked him to my car, dinged him in the back of the head with a ping hammer just below the scalp and threw him in the back seat. I knew it was only cosmetic damage with the bleeding I didn't expect, but I knew my tender loving care would heal him in no time so he could love me like I love him. I brought him home (technically a small room in the wall I keep hidden with painted particle boards), tied him to the wall with fishing line and bike cords and made sweet love to him 14 times before the morning that first day. My Kevin (it was the name on his work name tag) has been an amazing companion. Always there for me (it's not like he has a choice), ready to entertain with his muffled words about a wife and children and escape efforts. He laughs (insanely), cries, screams and sometimes even jumps up when I poke him with hot spoons.
A match made in my heaven.
Some people just can't take a joke...
Q: Do you go to parties? What kinds of parties do you usually attend?
Nick, my BFF, has a Tupperware party at least once a week. We never buy anything, but we mostly go just for his guacamole dip and Burt's spoon bread. My favorite all time parties are the pajama parties I have with my guy friends. We talk about cute boys at our law firm and take turns parting each other's hair (left, right, left, right...) over lemon cake and root beer.
Q: When was the last time you surprised yourself?
I forgot to tell myself I was going to surprise me, so I chased myself with a hammer thinking I was a real burglar.
Q: Someone's writing a biography of your life (to date). What is the best/worst chapter of the book?
Best: "Grappa Wine, Turkish Wrestlers and Warm Crete Nights."
Worst: "Black Eyes, Brats and Bimbos."
Q: What's your favorite gardening tip for Spring?
Bury the body under gardenias. Dogs won't dig around gardenias.
Q: If you could turn back time, at what point in your life would you go back to? What would you do differently?
Feb 2, 1992. 7:18 p.m. I should have turned left on Jenup Street instead of right. I could have been eating my teryaki beef jerky and diet cherry Coke 4 minutes earlier instead of 4 minutes later if I had turned left.
Q: If you could choose your own name, what would it be?
Noreen Preggers.
*A few months later the same question: "If you could choose your own name, what would it be?" was submitted by someone else and I said:
Noreen Preggers-McYuen (I married).
Q: What's the one thing you're most neurotic about?
Who have you been talking to? The soup cans with their little dances and silvery tops?! If they would all stop hating me I could answer this question. Go stare at someone else tomato bisque and clam chowder. What? I hate you too cream of mushroom.
Q: If you live in a household of more than one, how do you distribute the household chores?
The little people who live in my pillow do the dishes, the floating people above my sink make my bed (yeah I know, you'd think it would be reverse wouldn't you?) and the blooby "things" in laundry lint tell me to forget everything else.
Q: What piece of advice do you wish you could take?
Drop the soap in Prison and the condom goes ON, not IN.
Q: What do you do when you get a crush on someone?
Stare at him through the crack of the closet door while he's sleeping, re-arrange furniture when he's not home so it looks like they move by themselves, barely whisper from behind curtains so he thinks he hear voices, time when he get off work so he won't catch you at his house eating pancakes and scratching your balls with his brass candle holder shaped like a goose his mother gave him for Easter, the usual goofy stuff love makes you do.
Q: There is a natural disaster headed your way. You get 4 standard sized canvas grocery totes to fill with valuables and provisions to bring with you to a safe place. What would you put into your 4 bags and why?
Bottle of expensive suntan lotion (no cheap crap on this occasion) if the Sun is going into a Supernova, pair of red Speedos with racing stripes on the side in case I meet a Merman who wants to make me into his Merbitch if it's a flood, motion sickness patches and a steel umbrella if it's an earthquake, and the rest of the bags filled with Lunchables and sapphires.
Q: What lesson did your father teach you that still helps you in life?
Cigar burns between my toes means daddy loves me.
Q: What story of personal greatness, achievement or success would your co-workers or friends be surprised to learn about you?
I can eat standing up and I invented cream.
Q: Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how?
My femurs. I was mixing some rum punch when my femurs snapped, I was like "oh hell, my femurs!"
Q: What was your biggest cooking disaster?
I thought I read "broken glass" instead of "two eggs" in the recipe and we all laughed with bleeding mouths until the ambulances came.
Q: What's your favorite thing about yourself?
When I catch unexpected glimpses of myself in mirrors (I hang out at mirror stores), I love how the light bounces off my breasts.
Q: Has anyone ever done something so horrible to you that "I'm sorry" couldn't fix it?
Jake ate my black olives. I asked Jake; "Where are my black olives I keep in the mustard jar?" He said; "I had an urge for mustard and I found these delicious black olives." I said; "Jaaaake (in a whiny girl voice), those were MY black olives, now I have NO black olives, OR mustard (had to throw the mustard out to use the jar for the black olives)." He said; "Slow down there little lady" (his nickname for me even though I'm male), there is a can of green olives in the cupboard."
I still hate Jake because of this blatent display of rudeness and because he has a bulbous head.
Q: Snowball fights, hot cocoa by the fire, and sleigh rides... What are your favorite things about winter?
Leprechaun snow angels, green eggnog, and Lincoln's birthday.
Q: In honor of Benjamin Franklin's birthday, tell us: When was the last time you flew a kite?
What a coincidence!! Me and my girlfriend Sarah B. where JUST talking about this yesterday:
Me: Hey?! Idiot?! Put your fat pants on so we can go fly a kite.
Sarah B: Fuck you fruit!
One question submitted was: "Tell us how you met your significant other." I read the answer this one broad gave and my old friend Best Buy electronic store came up. This is what she wrote:
"We actually met in Best Buy. I know! You'd think that's kind of a weird place to meet someone so special and magical, but there he was... The floor model. A few dings and scraps, but only cosmetic damage. $700 later, I threw him in the back of my car, brought him home, plugged him in, and we've been inseparable ever since. From ESPN to Entourage, Grey's Anatomy to The Hills... My flat screen TV has been an amazing companion. Always there for me, ready to entertain. He makes me laugh, cry, scream and sometimes even jump up and down.
A match made in heaven."
Now I don't know if this girl works at Best Buy or owns Best Buy stock or what, but I wrote her back:
"That is so adorable!!! I met mine at Best Buy too! He was a salesman who I was watching for 4 weeks, I just HAD to have him because he was special and magical. He didn't see me pour the Rohypnol in his Coke, so after the drug kicked in I offered to help him outside to get some air after hearing him say to his manager he felt like throwing up. I walked him to my car, dinged him in the back of the head with a ping hammer just below the scalp and threw him in the back seat. I knew it was only cosmetic damage with the bleeding I didn't expect, but I knew my tender loving care would heal him in no time so he could love me like I love him. I brought him home (technically a small room in the wall I keep hidden with painted particle boards), tied him to the wall with fishing line and bike cords and made sweet love to him 14 times before the morning that first day. My Kevin (it was the name on his work name tag) has been an amazing companion. Always there for me (it's not like he has a choice), ready to entertain with his muffled words about a wife and children and escape efforts. He laughs (insanely), cries, screams and sometimes even jumps up when I poke him with hot spoons.
A match made in my heaven.
Some people just can't take a joke...
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