28 April 2009

Vox Q@A with ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND

I used to have a blog on vox.com (I had the coolest lesbians following my vox blog, for some reason I'm not catching on with the lesbians on Blogger). Everyday they would have a "Question Of the Day" submitted by voxers with all the answers submitted by other voxers going onto a general community board for everyone to read. The questions were almost always lame, boring, and unoriginal like most of the voxers themselves and I got to the point I started to have fun with the questions. Here are some of my answers to the questions over the months for your viewing pleasure.


Q: Do you go to parties? What kinds of parties do you usually attend?

Nick, my BFF, has a Tupperware party at least once a week. We never buy anything, but we mostly go just for his guacamole dip and Burt's spoon bread. My favorite all time parties are the pajama parties I have with my guy friends. We talk about cute boys at our law firm and take turns parting each other's hair (left, right, left, right...) over lemon cake and root beer.


Q: When was the last time you surprised yourself?

I forgot to tell myself I was going to surprise me, so I chased myself with a hammer thinking I was a real burglar.


Q: Someone's writing a biography of your life (to date). What is the best/worst chapter of the book?

Best: "Grappa Wine, Turkish Wrestlers and Warm Crete Nights."
Worst: "Black Eyes, Brats and Bimbos."


Q: What's your favorite gardening tip for Spring?

Bury the body under gardenias. Dogs won't dig around gardenias.


Q: If you could turn back time, at what point in your life would you go back to? What would you do differently?

Feb 2, 1992. 7:18 p.m. I should have turned left on Jenup Street instead of right. I could have been eating my teryaki beef jerky and diet cherry Coke 4 minutes earlier instead of 4 minutes later if I had turned left.


Q: If you could choose your own name, what would it be?

Noreen Preggers.

*A few months later the same question: "If you could choose your own name, what would it be?" was submitted by someone else and I said:
Noreen Preggers-McYuen (I married).

Q: What's the one thing you're most neurotic about?

Who have you been talking to? The soup cans with their little dances and silvery tops?! If they would all stop hating me I could answer this question. Go stare at someone else tomato bisque and clam chowder. What? I hate you too cream of mushroom.


Q: If you live in a household of more than one, how do you distribute the household chores?

The little people who live in my pillow do the dishes, the floating people above my sink make my bed (yeah I know, you'd think it would be reverse wouldn't you?) and the blooby "things" in laundry lint tell me to forget everything else.


Q: What piece of advice do you wish you could take?

Drop the soap in Prison and the condom goes ON, not IN.


Q: What do you do when you get a crush on someone?

Stare at him through the crack of the closet door while he's sleeping, re-arrange furniture when he's not home so it looks like they move by themselves, barely whisper from behind curtains so he thinks he hear voices, time when he get off work so he won't catch you at his house eating pancakes and scratching your balls with his brass candle holder shaped like a goose his mother gave him for Easter, the usual goofy stuff love makes you do.


Q: There is a natural disaster headed your way. You get 4 standard sized canvas grocery totes to fill with valuables and provisions to bring with you to a safe place. What would you put into your 4 bags and why?

Bottle of expensive suntan lotion (no cheap crap on this occasion) if the Sun is going into a Supernova, pair of red Speedos with racing stripes on the side in case I meet a Merman who wants to make me into his Merbitch if it's a flood, motion sickness patches and a steel umbrella if it's an earthquake, and the rest of the bags filled with Lunchables and sapphires.


Q: What lesson did your father teach you that still helps you in life?

Cigar burns between my toes means daddy loves me.


Q: What story of personal greatness, achievement or success would your co-workers or friends be surprised to learn about you?

I can eat standing up and I invented cream.


Q: Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how?

My femurs. I was mixing some rum punch when my femurs snapped, I was like "oh hell, my femurs!"


Q: What was your biggest cooking disaster?

I thought I read "broken glass" instead of "two eggs" in the recipe and we all laughed with bleeding mouths until the ambulances came.


Q: What's your favorite thing about yourself?

When I catch unexpected glimpses of myself in mirrors (I hang out at mirror stores), I love how the light bounces off my breasts.


Q: Has anyone ever done something so horrible to you that "I'm sorry" couldn't fix it?

Jake ate my black olives. I asked Jake; "Where are my black olives I keep in the mustard jar?" He said; "I had an urge for mustard and I found these delicious black olives." I said; "Jaaaake (in a whiny girl voice), those were MY black olives, now I have NO black olives, OR mustard (had to throw the mustard out to use the jar for the black olives)." He said; "Slow down there little lady" (his nickname for me even though I'm male), there is a can of green olives in the cupboard."

I still hate Jake because of this blatent display of rudeness and because he has a bulbous head.


Q: Snowball fights, hot cocoa by the fire, and sleigh rides... What are your favorite things about winter?

Leprechaun snow angels, green eggnog, and Lincoln's birthday.


Q: In honor of Benjamin Franklin's birthday, tell us: When was the last time you flew a kite?

What a coincidence!! Me and my girlfriend Sarah B. where JUST talking about this yesterday:
Me: Hey?! Idiot?! Put your fat pants on so we can go fly a kite.
Sarah B: Fuck you fruit!


One question submitted was: "Tell us how you met your significant other." I read the answer this one broad gave and my old friend Best Buy electronic store came up. This is what she wrote:

"We actually met in Best Buy. I know! You'd think that's kind of a weird place to meet someone so special and magical, but there he was... The floor model. A few dings and scraps, but only cosmetic damage. $700 later, I threw him in the back of my car, brought him home, plugged him in, and we've been inseparable ever since. From ESPN to Entourage, Grey's Anatomy to The Hills... My flat screen TV has been an amazing companion. Always there for me, ready to entertain. He makes me laugh, cry, scream and sometimes even jump up and down.

A match made in heaven."

Now I don't know if this girl works at Best Buy or owns Best Buy stock or what, but I wrote her back:

"That is so adorable!!! I met mine at Best Buy too! He was a salesman who I was watching for 4 weeks, I just HAD to have him because he was special and magical. He didn't see me pour the Rohypnol in his Coke, so after the drug kicked in I offered to help him outside to get some air after hearing him say to his manager he felt like throwing up. I walked him to my car, dinged him in the back of the head with a ping hammer just below the scalp and threw him in the back seat. I knew it was only cosmetic damage with the bleeding I didn't expect, but I knew my tender loving care would heal him in no time so he could love me like I love him. I brought him home (technically a small room in the wall I keep hidden with painted particle boards), tied him to the wall with fishing line and bike cords and made sweet love to him 14 times before the morning that first day. My Kevin (it was the name on his work name tag) has been an amazing companion. Always there for me (it's not like he has a choice), ready to entertain with his muffled words about a wife and children and escape efforts. He laughs (insanely), cries, screams and sometimes even jumps up when I poke him with hot spoons.

A match made in my heaven.


Some people just can't take a joke...

3 comments:

  1. That's MISS Preggers to you (I divorced).

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Franc,
    Can you please tell me about Russ? I sent you my email and phone number, please call me or send me an email, ok. I miss Russell.
    Thanks,
    Anita

    ReplyDelete

I eat your comments with jam and butter.