One "QotD" asked: "What are your rituals or traditions for starting off a new year?"I wrote:
"I take my wife Roxie and our 4 kids (Windchime, Pip, Exeter, and Roxie jr.) to the beach and see if they float weighted down with rocks like witches. If they float, we go home for another year."
I got the idea from this question to elaborate on my "made-up" family with a series of annoying news letters, like the ones real families send out to relatives and friends with updates on what's going on with their family.
Jan. 30
Hi folks!
Well it’s a month into the New Year and time to keep you up to date on what’s going on in our happy little homestead.
Roxie my lovely wife is still trying to get her “Colouring with Meth” business off the ground. I found out that last year’s “Painting with Vodka” business idea was just an excuse for Roxie to get drunk everyday (we’re behind you honey!).
Exeter got four quarters from the Tooth Fairy last night. Go Exeter!!! We like to see the POSITIVE of our daughter Windchime socking him in the mouth with a sock full of nickels (she so misses the “Sopranos”).
Roxie Jr.’s constant outbursts of screaming was diagnosed as NOT coming from mental illness. We can now put that on the list along with tourettes, alien control, and seeing ghosts.
We decided to change the name of our son Pip to my favorite character “Brian Shute” from the 80’s hit movie “Vision Quest” starring the very talented Frank Jasper as Brian. Even though he’s already eight, we think Brian Shute will adjust nicely.
From our family to yours,
The Carson Family.
Feb.28
Hello again folks! Because our last news letter was such a success, we decided to do another one before mid-year. I have to say to all our friends who have moved away, please send us a forwarding address. Most of our family news letters we sent out in January, came backed with "MOVED!" scribbled on the envelope. I'm sure with all the hectic moving, It probably slipped the minds of most people to send us the new forwarding address. Keep us posted!!!
My wife Roxy's installation art pieces " Colouring with Meth" has just skyrocketed. Roxy even had to hire two Latino art dealers with the curious names of "Crazy Girl" and "Lil Puppet" to do most of her art selling because she just can't put them out fast enough. It's heart warming to see she has such a following with the inner city gang youth, who knew they were such art aficionados.
Roxy Jr's screaming fits (We still haven't ruled out mind-control mites as the cause of her condition) are less infrequent since we learned from a therapist to smack her on the nose before she starts acting up. Actually the therapist was a dog trainer. Dog trainer/therapist, potato/potatoe, who really cares right? Love you baby!
We seemed to have lost our son Exeter in the mall a few weeks ago (we think). We haven't looked throughout the entire house yet, so maybe he just might have fallen in one of our house's many trap doors. We're still looking for you sweetheart!!!
Our daughter Windchime has just started school and already she is quit the entrepreneur. She explained it this way; other children give her money and she protects them. She is just sooo cute when she says "Break their kneecaps" in her cutesy voice. We promised her "The Sopranos" DVD box set she wanted so badly, but on the one condition she makes good grades. We know you'll do it honey!
Our son Brian Shute (formerly known as Pip) has filed for "Emancipation as a Minor" from us. This saddens us deeply because he was our favorite child. Please come back to us son, we forgive you.
Well, so ends another round of happenings with the Carson family. We wish you all a very Happy Holiday (whichever one is coming up) and hope to hear from all of you soon (with forewarding addresses).
Till next time,
The Carson Family.
March.31
It's some kind of Peruvian holiday, so that gives us an excuse to give you an update on our happy family happenings.
My talented wife has just been a bundle of energy since taking up her latest art endeavor. She's taken it upon herself to knit a whole carpet in the day and churning butter all night. I'm trying to keep up honeybug!!!
Windchime is now officially our favorite child and what a creative little rascal she is. She'll fill our shoes with cement and waits to find out how long it will take to dry before we can't move our feet. She's even learning a few words in Italian; "Andate tutti a 'fanculo!" means "I love you all!" according to her. What a talent!
We believe we hear Exeter moving between the walls. Windchime believes he's turned canabalistic because he's been in there so long. She now refuses to sleep without a golf club and suggests we do the same (is it any wonder she's our favorite?)
Our son Brian Shute says he will not proceed with the emancipation proceedings on 3 conditions:
1. We change his name back to Shippy 'Pip' Tanqueray Carson.
2. No more Nazi-like experimentation to change his eye color.
3. We cool it with putting him in jump suits.
1 and 3 we can accept, but we almost have his eyes a wonderful deep purple to stop now.
I think we had another kid someplace, but it's hard to tell with all these strange men coming in and out of the house at all hours picking up Roxie's art.
Well that wraps up our monthly fun family update. Since we have had no further responses from the recipients of our past family news letters, we will assume they were all on the same bus that went off a desert cliff in a fiery heap to avoid hitting an armadillo.
Next month: Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!
From our family to yours,
The Carson Family.
I ended the news letters. I said I sent my family off in a Chinese junk boat to go make stripper shoes in Taiwan because only one follower was getting the humor. I miss those rascals and the ball and chain.
