16 March 2011

Duck and Clobbered

Since Japan's radiation death cloud is suppose to hit L.A. coming in from the coast soon, let me take the time to leave my blog belongings to those who have been faithful to this blog before I take refuge in my blanket fort.

Iced Tea and Sarcasm: Since you're in San Fran, you'll probably drop dead before me, so what do I get??

Magaly: I leave you all my creepy blog images and my half price sex candle from a bodega that was going out of business. I blame your hoodoo for this catastrophe that has befallen me.

Trixie: I leave you all my nudie posters and Mexican hangover remedies, also the guy smoking a cig at the bottom of my blog, he's a freeloader, but he's a good lay.

Maegan: I leave you my "ad-free" blog banner, my Yogi Hair Wand, and my postings of the unexplained.

drollgirl: I leave you the engine of this blog, my sarcasm. Feed it bitterness, steak fat and grain alcohol and it should grow fine.

Keri: I leave you my food postings.

Shelley: I leave you the only child (Cosby) left over from my short term pregnancy so you don't have to do the whole pregnancy thing.

Stevie B: I leave you my foreskin.

Gallus: I leave you my used tubes of Acyclovir ointment (add them all together and they make a whole tube).

Joe*to*Hell: I leave you my Chinese curser and blog banners because your banner and curser are really horrible, it's like you gobbled up different colors of nail polish and threw them back up all over your blog.

Gabby: I leave you my butter dish, canned mushrooms, and my half put together haunted gingerbread house kit.

CinemaObsessed: I leave you my "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things" movie on blu-ray.

Scrappy: I leave you my booze postings because I'm an enabler.

Matt: I leave you a pic of my left tit for your hours of enjoyment.

PIEFOLK: Because you are the new addition to my little family, I give you my Martha Stewert muffin pans and Jello Biafra CD's.

Dear Eliza: I leave you all my plastic bags to be recycled at your convenience.

Pearl and Joey: I didn't think heterosexuals could frighten me, you two proved me wrong. I leave you my Trader Joe wine, corn starch and a 5 pack of frozen hashbrowns to do with them sexually as you two deem fit.

Cogent Descending: I bequeath you nothing for reasons which are well known to you.

If I left anyone out, it's because you're either dead to me or your blog up and died.
Tell me if I left anyone out.

22 comments:

  1. LOL! I'm making out like a bandit!

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  2. Thanks A-hole. Can't wait to watch it. Umm... I mean, we hope you survive the radiation cloud. *shifty eyes*

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  3. I leave you my beautiful grey hair. It'll be pooled around my blistered carcass.

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  4. WoooHooo! I get a candle and creepy images. Can I get your carcass too. I'm sure I can fool some people into thinking you were Elvis, my cousin Pedro, or some other famous person ;-)

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  5. This post is an excuse to bring you all here, if I'm not getting out of this (Todd X. sounds like he already has a foot in the grave with all that grey hair), neither are any of you.
    Magaly, no

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  6. Gosh, being a reader of your blog has really worked out for me! A butter dish? You know me so well.

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  7. It's really fancy, it looks like it has hoop earings.

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  8. I wish I could say this shocks me but it doesnt.
    In this spirit here is my list of things I plan to rummage around your irradiated corpse with the hopes of finding;

    The crystalized integrity I hear you kept in a jar near your toilet to sprinkle over every one of your fresh literary creations just as soon as you were done squeezin them out.

    Whatever may remain of the pagan cow head and the reportedly dozens of microwave pizza snuff films he's so famous for making as per the "word on the street."

    The irradiated remains of what I imagine are the kilts you forced Russ to wear before during and after sex.

    And last but certainly not least the glitter vest I am now certain you intended to dress my unconscious body in just before you field dressed via live webcast in one final attempt to prove I couldn't possibly be human.

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  9. Thank you! So glad you saved me from having to pop a kid out! I wanted your sarcasm *whine* drollgirl gets all the good stuff ;)

    If I die... please feed my cats and make sure to watch all the new episodes of the jersey shore for me.

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  10. Alas that will never happen because you are in Vegas and (by now mutant) Penn and Teller will eat you like a Saint Patty's Day cabbage.
    Cowhead already split when he heard the news. He sent me a postcard from a silo in Arizona telling me even if the radiation burns my flesh off, my skull will still make my face look fat and puffy.

    Shelley,
    I'm sorry, but in a barren wasteland your cats are going to become my catetori.

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  11. omg i almost forgot all about my blog but thankfully you saved my design mess-thetic.

    PS - i an in san fran ... i am toast too

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  12. Hey Asshole.. I'm flattered.. I think I got a better deal than most of your followers. With the exception of your hair or course. Know this: if the wind changes and you don't fry I'm gonna be pissed! Keri

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  13. Booze postings makes me wanna give you a handjob. Come hibernate in Orlandk till this 'blows' over. I always have a guestroom for an asshole boyfriend ;)

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  14. Keri, I know that's said out of a place of sheer love, now go make me a damn sammich and don't be stingy with the provolone you hide from me under your Posturepedic.

    Scrappy, You're sweet babe, but I'm afraid of Don Johnson, Cubans and the Skunk Ape.

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  15. dude. you can count on me. always and 4ever.

    but you aren't going anywhere.

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  16. drolldoll,
    Since you and Maegan are right next to me, why don't we all hop over to Redondo Beach to this little private cove I know, get pickled on supermarket brand vodka so we won't know what hit us and gorge ourselves on tiramisu and Black Forest Cake like we're don't know what bulimic means?

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  17. delete and delete. There, that's better.
    ...so touchy

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  18. SOMEONE wasn't happy with what they got in my will. I told them jellies, preserves and my pickled plums go to my sister...so ungrateful...

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  19. Damn. Was going to call dibs.

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I eat your comments with jam and butter.