08 January 2010

piss and vino

I can't take men's magazines like GQ and Esquire when they take what is suppose to be a stereotypical man and makes him into a hyper-masculine cartoon of what a man is suppose to be, making sure he doen't have a speck of fag on his collar along the way. These are real quotes from men's magazins like Esquire:

A plate of salami can be a meal, if it's what's there. You look around. Fried eggs over tortilla chips.

Whether it's their diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids or their 10 percent larger brains, the Gays have developed a peaceful society of brotherly love that the Straights seem intent on ruining with their backyard wrestling and generally grim attitudes.

Rest assured, after she slips this pair on (Christian Louboutin shoes), that flash of crimson you'll see when she kicks up her heel is a definite green light.

Let's not get carried away, but some women do foster a nesting urge just before the onset of menstruation, which might induce them to concern themselves with domestic issues, like cleaning. If it were to happen, this would likely occur in the third, or "luteal," phase of the menstrual cycle. (It won't be on the test.) However, this unpredictable phase is subject to much hormonal travail, so tread lightly when putting in requests. With a little practice, you'll soon be able to perfectly time your needs to a woman's period, and once you unlock the secrets of the cycle, no woman will be able to resist cleaning up after you. Your mother could use a break anyway.

...that's how they roll in the Marines. The second night I was home, I went out to dinner at a fancy restaurant with my wife and some friends. There was much lively discussion about which wine to order. Everyone weighed in with their up-to-date and erudite opinions. All I could think about was how good it had felt that morning to sit on a real toilet, alone, and take a shit.

5 comments:

  1. Sorry, I found this post really hilarious, but I find humor in just about everything.

    Although I certainly see the homophobia, (there is something especially strange and seemingly offensive about "the Gays" in the second quote). I still found it humorous. Perhaps it is just your knack for selecting the bizarre.

    This is what made me laugh:

    First, I am not even going to speculate about what was on the author's mind when contemplating having "salami" as a meal

    Second, who in the fuck is into backyard wrestling? And "peaceful society of brotherly love"—what the hell is that? Weren't we just talking about catty gay guys.

    Third, I bet drag performers account for a significant portion of the Christian Louboutin sales.

    Third, a lesson on how to manipulate women into cleaning for you while they are on their periods is just so absurd it is funny.

    Finally, A Marine who's supposed primary thought during dinner is about taking a dump but uses the word erudite correctly in a sentence (someone isn't asking or telling).

    If I put my publishing and design hat on, what is really offensive about men's magazines trending this way is that the publishers, editors and advertisers are aggressively going after the gay consumer while simultaneously degrading their own customer base. If a pub that I worked on ever did that we would be forced to close.

    It really is a strange thing and I don't understand why the readership tolerates it.

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  2. Hmmm....
    Having had numerous male flatmates in my student days, i can admit that I've succumbed to the curiosity and leafed through the odd men's mag in my time....but they've all ilicited the same reaction in me, which is: Who the fuck writes this utter SHITE?

    Even though this is off point,womens mags are equally full of bullshit, which is why i don't buy them.

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  3. Teezy,

    I don't think they go for gay readership anymore because I think they think their straight readership are into style, health and fashion enough to hold them without the homos, besides, gays have their own magazines like GENRE and DNA and don't need crumbs from the likes of GQ. My favorite line from a men's magazine has to be; "Fifty bucks seems a little high for a pair of soiled panties."

    AD,

    You mean I can't make a woman orgasm with mind power? Oh shit!

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  4. Yes the third phase of the cycle where you can ask your girlfriend to clean your toilet and either she’ll clean it or she’ll stab you in the eye with a fucking fork.

    Plus, everyone knows only gay men clean. Manly men are too damn manly

    Hate those magazines.

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I eat your comments with jam and butter.