25 October 2012

Palmdale or bust at the seams

Russ and I our picking up and moving our asses over to the beautiful high desert of Palmdale California. We rented a 2 story 4 bed, 3 bath for $1300, by luck. I see this as more of a banishment because of the harassing antics of the Burbank Police department that resulted in a 3rd eviction, my little time in the clinker like I was a cartoon super villain and memories I want to stab in the throat and roll up in a carpet that includes my upbringing in Burbank that twisted me. I have no clue what I'm going to do in the sticks with windstorms and lightning that makes you think Jesus is coming in the clouds. Yet again my life is being up ended. I googled Palmdale and the one good thing is all the mysterious boodoo I'll be in the middle of. Bigfoot, UFO's are a plenty and buried treasure is just waiting to be found. I'll look up and see stars galore because of the lack of city lights because there are no cities to speak of, unless you count the hidden city underground Edwards Air Force base that's supposed to house human captives and reverse alien engineering. What am I going to do with 14 country radio stations when I won't listen to one? I'll have to buy food in "bushels" from the local farmers where I'll be known as the town faggot who bakes sassafras pies when he isn't blowing the "local boys" behind Beavertail cactus.

I live up the street from this 3 ride water park.



  1. Howdy. I used to live in Palmdale's equally awesome (eye roll) neighbor Lancaster. Raised out there actually. El Torreo Mexican food and bars might get you adjusted a little faster. Oh and 10th street west is where they keep ALL the shopping in Palmdale... Have fun with that.

  2. Oh and as far as weather goes... Convection oven in the summer. It'll make you want to die when the winds hitand balls cold winters, but usually very little chance of snow.

  3. Hey stranger, missed you.
    Oh great, Palm Springs weather, without Palm Springs. I'll be living in that water park when those hot months come with my straw hat and flask. Looks like Lancaster has the only gay bar in the whole Antelope Valley that looks like it's in Mississippi:
    Why am I moving there again? Oh, yeah. What shopping? "Brenda Lee's Girdle and Grits?" Aren't I also on time of a fault line? I plan on starting a cactus milking business to keep me busy.

  4. Missed you too. I have been hiding out because I'm fat... I mean pregnant (due any day now I hope). They must have more than one gay bar, it is the Antelope Valley after all. Fault line? Only the San Andreas, no big deal ;)
    As far as shopping goes there is always "the mall" that should be good for 10 minutes of fun or so. Cactus milking sounds like a great plan, but if that fails and you get bored head over to the local Vallarta and get oogled by the local Hispanic men.

  5. btw http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/goddess/octomom-shows-off-her-clean-5-000-square-171916450.html neighbors?

  6. Congrats on the bun in the oven! Boy or girl and what name did you pick?

    No, one bar. Any dive bars you know of?

    You mean I'll be seeing her brood at my wonderful water park peeing on my side of the pool? I can already hear her telling me; "Did you just dig your nails in my kids leg?"
    Palmdale's one movie star is this big woman from Reno 911:

    Isn't Antelope Valley the meth capital of CA? Or is that Riverside?

  7. Thanks, its a boy http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=zCU_6wb06Xs
    the name is in the works, going to decide when we see the kid. As far as bars go... stay away from Schooners (just trust me). I used to hit up Zoni's, but no guarantees it may have changed. I can't think of any others right now because my brain is like scrambled eggs.
    You know the other person to come out of Palmdale is this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbxomrhhnkI

    oh and here is a fun one skip to 6:53 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekFcPa1d0Yk&feature=relmfu

    They maybe the meth capital by now... or maybe rosemond?

  8. So cute you! *pinches cheek*
    Funny you bring up Schooners. A gay website said that was the place to pick up horny drunky Marines who'll screw around with another guy. I'll try Zoni's between hangovers.
    O.K. I like the song "Valley Girl," it's starting to get doable.
    And who knew Palmdale was so multifaceted? lol

  9. Wait, so . . . you were in jail and now you have to move to the ozarks of the west?

    I is beautiful but confused.

  10. 4 days in Burbank jail for something that's too much information for here. I lived off of apples and peanut butter, the only thing that was edible with the food they gave us. I also found myself doing push-ups like in prison movies. The eviction was because the night the coppers took me, it was a big scene outside the apartment building that involved about a dozen of Burbanks finest that got back to the landlord because of our fat mouth neighbors. I need out of here anyways.

  11. I so want to be the narrating voice when they finally turn your life into a straight to DVD made for tv movie about Palmdale's first and only serial killer.

  12. I want a LIFETIME channel movie (3 parts) and I want to be played by either Aarón Díaz or Adrian Armas. Adrian zmed (SOMEBODY need to give him work) as my dad and Raquel Welch as mom. I'm still wondering who'll play Russ, Chris Carmack? Jason Lewis?

    I'd be in good company since Palmdale is mostly freeways and roads.



I eat your comments with jam and butter.