21 November 2011

Insert Finger

I'm at a Red Robin and I go to the bathroom stall. This guy goes into the stall next to me and the next thing I see is him getting on one knee, one hand on the floor, nice ring on his finger, and what sounded like he was spitting up wine like he was in a wine tasting. I realized the guy is throwing up. He washes his face off, goes back to his table of hot friends, no one the wiser.

Now when I throw up it sounds like I'm heaving up my spleen, blood vessels popping, colors leaving my face like I'm dead, and strangers are asking me if I need soda water they have in their car. One time I threw up outside of a Barnes and Noble after having too many Bloody Mary's at a "Camacho's" Mexican restaurant and stopped traffic. I do the "scare birds out of trees" style of throwing up and not the quiet spilling up of my vodka tonics like I was spitting out too much mouthwash. I happen to be with a partner who never throws up, Russ has a liver that could sop up a puddle of 90 proof  peppermint snaps while never leaving a lull in the conversation. I one time did a "cater waiter" gig to get some extra money for a tennis club's Halloween shindig. My costume was a football player and my job was to pass around champagne flutes. The bartender was a friend so she was plying me with free drinks all night. That was one night I wished I would have thrown up my guts. I was TOLD (because I have no memory of it) that throughout the night I kept on sticking cocktail napkins in my jock strap so by the end of the night it looked like my dick was the size of a boxing glove and I kept on wondering into the bushes to polish off champagne flutes and hors d'oeuvres meant for the party. One day I'll stop drinking, and the throwing up will only be be because of bad calamari and not because I downed one too many, till then? Captain Morgan and me will be tight.


  1. One day I got drunk the night before my Geology final exam. I came home, turned on my computer and started playing in this MMO I used to play with my boyfriend (back then we were just friends), I logged into our voice-chat-server thing, and started having an argument with a girl about where the ring of fire was (not the Johnny Cash song), and I kept insisting I was a Tyrannosaurus Rex. My boyfriend, back then just a friend, kept laughing his ass off, and told me to go grab a pillow and a blanket and stay in the bathroom and pray the porcelain Gods I wake up without a headache.

    Of course I can't remember any of this.

  2. By the way..
    I need your current address to sent you a christmas care package

  3. when god?
    when will my life be this glamorous and fulfilling?

  4. I can hold my booze, really. The throwing up is when I drink the next day. Russ bitches that he never drank the day after and he only started when I wanted to go out for oysters and bloody mary's when we lived in Chatsworth ages ago.

  5. So the round eyed gringo can't a care package?

  6. She has a festering hatred of you that keeps her up at night, at least that's what I like to think.

  7. @Cogent: Send me your address on a Facebook message.

    @Frank: karinavel(at)live.com

    @Russ: HOLA!!!!!!!!! :D

  8. Russ says (from across the bed); "Holla Karina!!! Where have you been stranger?"

    *Russ wanted me to write "stranger" in Spanish and put a happy face. I also don't know why he's asking that when I already told him everything that went down with you.


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