12 August 2011

Dear Victoria

I recieved this e-mail in my Tribe.net account today:

Date: Fri, August 12, 2011 - 11:42 AM

Subject: victoriaazama@yahoo.com

Message: How are you today and how is life over there in your country,i hope everything is fine with you.if so thanks be to God almighty. my name is miss victoria azama as i was browsing now, i found your lovely and very interesting profile. i will like to make and build favorable relationship with you.i will like you to contact me direct at my email contact address. (victoriaazama@yahoo.com). for more introductions. i will also send my lovely photo for you to see what i look like. hoping to hear your reply soon at my mail box.
friendship has no social barriers, no educational back ground, religious, language, nationality or distance barrier,understanding. matters a lotin life
Remember,My e-mail address is (victoriaazama@yahoo.com)i wait for your mail soon.
Well wishers
Victoria.

This was my response:

My Dear Victoria,

I would love your picture. If you can please send one with your naughty bits showing, even more the better. I'm looking for that special someone to free me of my desperate loneliness, the festering dragging sick loneliness. I sit in a little chair and stare out at the gloom that surrounds me, the festering dragging sick gloom. Now that Teriyaki (I call God Teriyaki because otherwise I won't remember his name) has blessed me by bringing you into my life, I'm just beside myself (literally, I have a large mirror beside me) and now my murmuring to myself will stop. Can I be so bold as to ask you to come live with me? I haven't vacuumed in two years (the vacuum understands why, trust me) and I know you will vacuum for me, constantly, and in time you'll adjust to my little quirks (I think I have too many fingers) and make me happy, between vacuumings.

I hope you will take me up on my offer, did I say I lived in a hospice? I'm allotted $45 a month and we can split this, though I expect you to spend some of that money on vacuum cleaner upkeep (vacuum bags aren't going to buy themselves) and the rest you can spend on yourself.

Please respond as soon as you can or I will be very irate and think clubbings aren't just for baby seals.

Yours in Teriyaki,
AB


11 comments:

  1. I request a similar bitch-slap type email from you. just randomly to make me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just so people don't think; "What an asshole to do that to her." This is a spambot e-mail that's meant to target lonely people who are later tricked into sending money. Believe me, "Victoria" deserves alot worse.

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  3. No response back. This makes me sad and crying anvils again...8ppp(

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  4. I love you.
    I read this at the exact moment I needed to laugh until it hurt.
    Thank you.

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  5. You are very welcome. I like it when people come here for my blog content instead of coming here to contact my loved ones.

    I didn't drown in my bathtub by the way, just chillin' back enjoying my Summer.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I've relocated my log in info.
    Yay!!
    Take the razor away from your wrist please.
    My scathing diatribes will continue.

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  7. I was planning on using the razor on your calf tendons, but O.K.

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  8. And cute cankles they are. Be proud. Sweater vests that shimmer in the Vegas sun and those little slippers you so love to march in.

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  9. Unholy fucking Teriyaki, you are HILARIOUS!

    ReplyDelete

I eat your comments with jam and butter.