28 February 2010

Thomas' English Muffins

I ate a whole fucking package of Thomas' English Muffins, un-fucking believable!

I had one and my eyes rolled back into my head. I must have blacked out because I woke up with an empty package and a cum stain on my pants. They are so delicious. You can toast them with peanut butter and jelly, use them as platforms for doll go-go dancers in doll nightclubs, Bakeries can buy them in bulk, brand their bakery name on them, slap on some lacquer and Presto! Instant drink coasters to advertise in bars! Why with their countless uses they are like the Swiss Army knife of the bread world.

I picture Mr. Thomas looking like this. An upstart who resented his humble baker father and who was known for having a prick disposition because he really wanted to make his fortune in the more manly field of Industrial Plastics.

Thomas' English Muffins are the snot nosed little brother of the British crumpet, just less pretentious and pasty looking. They also scrape off more skin off of the top of your mouth, that's why you should eat them "Nooks and Crannies" side down, even if it's at the expense of losing pats of butter.

Mr.Thomas was quite the joker at the yearly "Bakers and Confectioners" convention. The front door to his estate having a solid gold door handle shaped like a muffin (It's because of the handle it's hard to open the door from the outside, so someone has to let you in, Mr. Thomas wasn't very smart with choosing design over function).

11 comments:

  1. Love those damn things. DO NOT get the hearty grains style. They only taste healthier.

    Original all the way. Man, they used to have Thomas' Corn-Bread Toaster Cakes too - what ever happened to those?

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  2. Are you serious? Corn bread cakes? It's one of my 3 wishes (my other two wishes are hills made out of warm sourdough with butter trees and snowflakes tasting like lemon gelato.

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  3. Oh yes, and they were delicious. Haven't seen them in years.

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  4. I LOVE this post! Methinks you need to do more writing like this. You crack me up! I particularly enjoyed the description of Mr.Thomas.
    I'm now hungry and amused. i'm supposed to be on a diet and all. Damn thee! Now I have to go eat some toast and fantasise about it being a muffin. Grrr.

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  5. I'll be on here less, but I'll do more writing when I am.

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  6. Asshole! Omg, you actually wrote! I was beginning to think, omg, I don't get his blog, then BAM! You wrote. I still don't get it. (kidding)

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  7. I try to mix it up on my blog, food, style, mysteries, gadgets, art, music, fresh homo goodness and my personal takes on life and my relationship with my partner Russ living in Southern California, not just me yapping. Where else are you going to find a blog with a post about snuff films and banana guacamole in the same week? I'm not a one note blogger. Those that don't get my blog should go see Wanda and her designs (interiorconceptsbywanda.blogspot.com/) or this guy and his love for the White Sox (http://www.southsidesox.com/).

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  8. Hola Hola!
    sorry ive been M.I.A, i still read your blog.

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  9. My husband would trade his first born for a Thomas' English Muffin. I swear he would and it'd be fine with me since she's not mine :P

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  10. Karina?

    Trixie,

    I try to get rid of useless relatives too. Want an extra prick uncle of mine and a cheapo Godmother i'm tired of?

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  11. I'll trade you a conspiracy theorist hippie nut job for the cheapo grandmother. I have enough pricks :P

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I eat your comments with jam and butter.